Mrs. Billingsley's Friend Calls

 

Mrs. Billingsley's friend Janet called but there was a problem with the phone line and it didn't connect.   I called her back on my cell phone to let her know we'd call later when the phones were repaired.  

I don't know what evil genie convinced me to do that.   I didn't want to get into a conversation with Janet because those conversations don't really go well.   But I knew already another conversation like that would happen because Janet would latch onto the phone and steer the conversation in that direction.  And so it was.  

Janet asked about Mrs. Billingsley.  She's OK.   "Can she still read?"  ??  I wondered where that came from.  She began to express concern about Mrs. Billingsley's hygiene.  "Well, she doesn't walk well, so I bring a dishpan of warm water and a washcloth out to her..."   This seemed to serve the purpose.   Janet wasn't satisfied.   Did I know what baby wipes were???  Yes...   She told me about how they can be used for more than babies.  Oh???   She began to lecture me about not flushing them because they would stop up the plumbing.  "Does your mother know not to flush them?"  

Eventually she moved on to another great concern.  Was Mrs. Billingsley getting enough protein?  I would say the big problem is that Mrs. Billingsley just doesn't eat much.   Janet began to lecture me on what protein is.  "Steak is protein...."  "Ground beef is protein...   Eggs are protein.  Tuna is protein..."  She became euphoric about how I could easily buy tuna in cans.  "You can make tuna salad out of tuna...."   "Does she like cheese?  She could eat cheese..."   "I usually give her a protein drink," I said.  That was a mistake.  

She moved on to the subject of her relatives.   One great example came to mind, which was her niece Laura.  She went into a tizzy at that point.  "You've already told me all about that!!"  I wondered what she could tell me about my experience.   The part about eleven police cars in my yard with sirens and lights, sent by Laura to have me arrested?  There are only eleven police cars in this county.   The way they raided my house without a warrant because I was asleep in bed?  The broken bones I suffered when I was dragged outside in my underwear?  This was not sleep, according to Laura.  This was a drug induced stupor!  She should know!  Her husband is a doctor!   They were putting me in handcuffs, when I asked why they were doing all this.  "You took your mother's Tramadol!" one of them shrieked.   "What?  No I didn't."  And suddenly, sanity returned and the whole raid ended.  

Janet moved on to her eye condition.  I felt a wave of relief that she might calm down.   I asked her what the condition was.  "An eye condition!!" she snapped.  She has to have shots in her eyes.  She has to go out of town for the shots.   But she wasn't becoming calmer.  She seemed to have just gotten started.   

I have given Janet a long leash because of probable dementia, but unfortunately, this seems to have encouraged her.    I told Mrs. Billingsley about the call.  "Your friend Janet has apparently come down with rabies," I said.   I'm not doing any more Janet medicine.